Bizarro Health Savings Account

So the company I work for automatically lists items as "FSA eligible" if they are commonly covered by a flexible spending account for health purchases, sometimes known as an HSA. An HSA, if you're not familiar with the concept, is essentially a "bank" of money that you pay into (often with each paycheck). This money is tax-free, but you can only use it to pay for your medical expenses. Some plans allow your unspent dollars to roll-over at the end of the year, whereas others do not, leading to a last-minute spending frenzy. Most HSA plans allow you to spend the dollars you have on any health-related purchase, but there are always exceptions. As a general rule, it's safe to assume that standard over-the-counter products are probably covered, so those last-minute spending frenzies usually turn into people buying more aspirin and bandages than they are ever going to use just so that the money doesn't disappear unspent.

Anyway, at my store, both the register and the customer's receipt specifically note items that are eligible purchases; the customer can keep the receipt in the event that there is a dispute with the insurance company. This also allows the customer to just swipe their HSA card and have eligible items paid for while ineligible items remain unpaid. This saves the cashier from having to ring the items up separately if the customer wants to pay for some items that are eligible and some that are not.

There used to be an occasional problem where ineligible items would get rung up with an HSA debit card by mistake. Ultimately the consumer would get an audit from their insurance company bitching at them about trying to use their HSA to pay for bread and greeting cards. A recent update to the system actually prevents the register from accepting an HSA card for items that the register does not recognize as eligible; the cashier will get an error message saying that the customer needs to use a different form of payment.

So imagine my surprise today when Mucinex and Benadryl didn't ring up as FSA-eligible items. That was odd, and potentially noteworthy, but not that strange. It was conceivable that recent policies had changed to prohibit consumers from buying OTC items without a prescription.

Then Oscillococcinum rang up as FSA-eligible and I stared at the register screen in disbelief.

To make a long story short, "Oscillo" is a homeopathically-prepared dilution of the organs of a muscovy duck. It is a "200C" dilution, which is impressive even by homeopathic standards; the original formula has been successively diluted in a 1/100 ratio 200 times, meaning that the ultimate concentration of duck organ solution is 1 with 400 zeroes following it. This is four times the estimated number of molecules in the known universe, so the probability that the resulting solution contains any of the original "duck molecules" is basically nil unless somehow we have an entire universe filled with "Oscillo." Not that that's a problem for devoted believers in homeopathy. The preparation is touted by its manufacturer as a remedy for "the flu." You know, an illness that actually kills people from time to time.

So let's get this straight. According to the computer system at work, your insurance company is more likely to let you spend your tax-free savings on fake medicine than real medicine. In fact, the register would not let me charge a box of Benadryl to this guy's HSA because it considered the drug "an ineligible purchase."

See why I used the word "bizarro" in the post title?